Sorry for the delay in writing, we are currently updating our stories and writers. We will start up again in a few weeks.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
FCSLit Trivia Answer
The Trivia question of the Day provided by @DevlinShepherd:
What University was the last team to win the NCAA Basketball National Championship without having a single All-American in that year?
The Answer is the 2008 Kansas Jayhawks. Thanks to everyone who submitted responses!
What University was the last team to win the NCAA Basketball National Championship without having a single All-American in that year?
The Answer is the 2008 Kansas Jayhawks. Thanks to everyone who submitted responses!
FCSLit Trivia Question
The Trivia question of the Day provided by @DevlinShepherd:
What University was the last team to win the NCAA Basketball National Championship without having a single All-American in that year?
Comment Answers, send to scohak1236@gmail.com, or @ mention @shakim12.
Will post the answer later today.
What University was the last team to win the NCAA Basketball National Championship without having a single All-American in that year?
Comment Answers, send to scohak1236@gmail.com, or @ mention @shakim12.
Will post the answer later today.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Daily Balks
Here are the Daily Balks for Tuesday, July 26th, 2011.
1a.) Steven Stamkos recently signed a new 5 year deal with the Tampa Bay Lightning, proving that money does indeed trump the lack of necessary ice in the region. -VisitFlorida.com
1b.) The Winnipeg Jets have not signed anyone of note, proving that even money can't make up for the excess of necessary ice in the region. -tourismWinnipeg.com?
2.) Per @DevlinShepherd in the "This News is Way Too Dumb to Be Made Up" Department, The Washington Redskins have said that they will trade Albert Haynesworth "for a ham sandwich instead of cutting him and running the risk of his showing up in Philadelphia." Much to the chagrin of Eagles fans, the team reportedly will only offer a cheesesteak in return. -Philadelphia Daily News
3.) The Key was under the mat the whole time -DeMaurice Smith
4.) THE Ohio State University declared Quarterback Terrell Pryor ineligible for the 2011 season and banned him from the program for 5 years. In related news, Pryor left the school three weeks ago. -#BadAttemptToTryAndAvoidNCAASanctions
5.) The Mountain West Conference has banned Boise State from wearing all blue uniforms on their all blue field against MWC opponents, calling it an unfair "competitive advantage." Eastern Washington has offered their playing surface for the 2011 season. -Red Turf > Blue Turf
6a.) In order to clear their schedule for the September opening of "Moneyball", the Seattle Mariners have lost 17 in a row.
6b.) In order to clear their schedule for the September opening of "Moneyball", the Oakland Athletics have won 6 of their last 10. -MLB.com
7.) With the lockout now over, Dallas Cowboys' Owner Jerry Jones has announced that he will install another 62 yard-wide scoreboard underneath the playing surface for those who cannot see the one currently installed. The Punters' Union to Complain. -Dallas Morning Star.
-Also, The Dallas Cowboys cut the Barber -Fort Worth Tribune
1a.) Steven Stamkos recently signed a new 5 year deal with the Tampa Bay Lightning, proving that money does indeed trump the lack of necessary ice in the region. -VisitFlorida.com
1b.) The Winnipeg Jets have not signed anyone of note, proving that even money can't make up for the excess of necessary ice in the region. -tourismWinnipeg.com?
2.) Per @DevlinShepherd in the "This News is Way Too Dumb to Be Made Up" Department, The Washington Redskins have said that they will trade Albert Haynesworth "for a ham sandwich instead of cutting him and running the risk of his showing up in Philadelphia." Much to the chagrin of Eagles fans, the team reportedly will only offer a cheesesteak in return. -Philadelphia Daily News
3.) The Key was under the mat the whole time -DeMaurice Smith
4.) THE Ohio State University declared Quarterback Terrell Pryor ineligible for the 2011 season and banned him from the program for 5 years. In related news, Pryor left the school three weeks ago. -#BadAttemptToTryAndAvoidNCAASanctions
5.) The Mountain West Conference has banned Boise State from wearing all blue uniforms on their all blue field against MWC opponents, calling it an unfair "competitive advantage." Eastern Washington has offered their playing surface for the 2011 season. -Red Turf > Blue Turf
6a.) In order to clear their schedule for the September opening of "Moneyball", the Seattle Mariners have lost 17 in a row.
6b.) In order to clear their schedule for the September opening of "Moneyball", the Oakland Athletics have won 6 of their last 10. -MLB.com
7.) With the lockout now over, Dallas Cowboys' Owner Jerry Jones has announced that he will install another 62 yard-wide scoreboard underneath the playing surface for those who cannot see the one currently installed. The Punters' Union to Complain. -Dallas Morning Star.
-Also, The Dallas Cowboys cut the Barber -Fort Worth Tribune
FCSLit Trivia Answer
It took almost a full day, but we finally got the answer (I told you it was a hard one).
The answer is Scottie Reynolds, 2010 First Team All-American from Villanova. He signed a national letter of intent to play basketball at Oklahoma, but the AD released him after the Kelvin Sampson recruiting violation scandal.
Props to @DevlinShepherd and @ishep123 for getting the answer correct.
We will have another one up again in the coming days, so keep an eye out!
The answer is Scottie Reynolds, 2010 First Team All-American from Villanova. He signed a national letter of intent to play basketball at Oklahoma, but the AD released him after the Kelvin Sampson recruiting violation scandal.
Props to @DevlinShepherd and @ishep123 for getting the answer correct.
We will have another one up again in the coming days, so keep an eye out!
Monday, July 25, 2011
FCSLit Trivia Question of the Day (Overnight Edition)
Here is the Trivia Question of the day (we will reveal the answer tomorrow):
Who was the last NCAA basketball Division 1 first-team All-American who changed school commitments before his freshman year? What team did he leave and to what team did he go?
-Committed to one school but after unforeseen circumstances was given a release of scholarship and chose another school before his freshman year.
Who was the last NCAA basketball Division 1 first-team All-American who changed school commitments before his freshman year? What team did he leave and to what team did he go?
-Committed to one school but after unforeseen circumstances was given a release of scholarship and chose another school before his freshman year.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Abstinence
With 3 players from ASU and USC, the Oakland Raiders wanted to take a stand against youthful sexual endeavors. Ensuring fans that the organization doesn't promote promiscuity in wake of the recent Marc Tyler USB explosion (see story below), the Oakland Raiders made a bold move at the Owner's meetings in Atlanta on Thursday. The Owners voted 31-0 for a new Collective Bargaining Agreement, with only the Oakland Raiders abstaining. Owner and President Al Davis said the move was done for the "youth of america." "We wanted to make sure that all of our teens know the Oakland Raiders stance. We wanted to provide an example to children on how to say no, and abstain. Now when faced with difficult decisions all children can point to us and say, 'The Raiders did it, so can I!'" -A Telegraph sent to us by Al Davis, received 4 days after original send
-In related news, Oakland Raiders Wide Receiver Louis Murphy was arrested and charged with illegal possession of Viagra without a valid prescription, according to local authorities.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
University of Sexual Ballers
In an effort to keep up with it's PAC-12 rival University of Sexual Ballers (commonly referred to as the University of Southern California), Arizona State University officially changed its name to A Sexual University, increasing enrollment by 40% while simultaneously making it easier to spell. A University of Arizona student called the decision "old news " saying that he has been getting a "free education from [ASU] every weekend." However, ASU was unsuccessful in acquiring the Trojan mascot from USB(C).
-FCSL could not confirm a report out of the Tempe area claiming that the move was made to block BYU basketball players from confusing the University for an Accredited Institution of Higher Education. -Marc "breakin bread" Tyler.
-FCSL could not confirm a report out of the Tempe area claiming that the move was made to block BYU basketball players from confusing the University for an Accredited Institution of Higher Education. -Marc "breakin bread" Tyler.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
FCSLit Trivia Question of the Day #2 Answer
Props to @vkarchevsky again for jumping up quickly and getting the right answer.
Pittsburgh is the only city in the US to have all of the team's wear the same colors (Black and Gold primarily).
And the Eagle is the most represented college mascot in the country.
Good work everyone and keep your eyes on the next trivia question!
Pittsburgh is the only city in the US to have all of the team's wear the same colors (Black and Gold primarily).
And the Eagle is the most represented college mascot in the country.
Good work everyone and keep your eyes on the next trivia question!
FCSLit Trivia Question of the Day #2
Since we had a fast-thinker on the last trivia question, we'll give you readers another shot.
Which U.S. city is the only city to have all of its major sport clubs rep the same colored jerseys?
Bonus: What is the most common mascot for American colleges?
Which U.S. city is the only city to have all of its major sport clubs rep the same colored jerseys?
Bonus: What is the most common mascot for American colleges?
FCSLit Trivia Question of the Day Answer
Props to @vkarchevsky for the fastest response so far. He was so fast that he even found a few we didn't.
The Division 1 schools located in state capitals: University of Arkansas-Little Rock, Florida State University, The Georgia Institute of Technology, University of Hawaii, Boise State University, Louisiana State University, The Naval Academy, University of Minnesota, University of Nebraska-Lincoln, North Carolina State University, The Ohio State University, University of South Carolina, Vanderbilt University, University of Texas-Austin, University of Utah, University of Wisconsin.
Bonus Answer: There are a lot of answers. Some Examples: Butler, Richmond, Jackson State, IVY League, Drake, Southern, MEAC schools, etc.
The Division 1 schools located in state capitals: University of Arkansas-Little Rock, Florida State University, The Georgia Institute of Technology, University of Hawaii, Boise State University, Louisiana State University, The Naval Academy, University of Minnesota, University of Nebraska-Lincoln, North Carolina State University, The Ohio State University, University of South Carolina, Vanderbilt University, University of Texas-Austin, University of Utah, University of Wisconsin.
Bonus Answer: There are a lot of answers. Some Examples: Butler, Richmond, Jackson State, IVY League, Drake, Southern, MEAC schools, etc.
FCSLit Trivia Question of the Day
Can you name the 16 Division One Schools that are located in a state capital? (Every major sport D1)
Bonus: Can you name one school that is Division I-AA in football, but Division I in basketball that is also in a state capital? (multiple correct answers)
tweet responses to @shakim12, email them to scohak1236@gmail.com, or comment on page.
Good luck! Answer revealed later today.
Bonus: Can you name one school that is Division I-AA in football, but Division I in basketball that is also in a state capital? (multiple correct answers)
tweet responses to @shakim12, email them to scohak1236@gmail.com, or comment on page.
Good luck! Answer revealed later today.
Monday, July 18, 2011
LiveStrong make Strong?
Lance Armstrong's lawyers have filed complaints to the government for illegal leaks in confidential government proceedings, causing Armstrong to have a tarnished image. The courts, however, have blocked these complaints, citing new findings in Armstrong's alleged performance-enhancing drug scandal. Reports reveal that Lance's yellow LiveStrong braclets contain HGH, a human performance hormone only traceable in bloodstream. That's not the only concern though, according to other riders on the tour: "It's so yellow, it blinds me around every corner... how am I supposed to win when he has one of those?", an unnamed rider said. In response, Lance pointed out that you can get them for .99 online at livestrong.org, even revealing the special 10 for 10 dollar deal. -AP.
USA-Japan Ignites Twitter
Although the US Women came up short in their quest to become World Cup Champions, they succeeded in setting a new world record of 7,196 tweets per second during the match. This number was only 7,195 more tweets per second than when all off America learned the United States had a Women's soccer program; last week. -Marta
Friday, July 15, 2011
FCSLit Trivia Answer
Not including the 1901-1960 Washington Senators (now the Minnesota Twins) or the second Washington Senators (now the Texas Rangers), how many times have the Chicago White Sox been in Washington D.C. since the Nationals became a franchise in 2005?
-While it seems like the answer is none, as the White Sox have never PLAYED in Washington since the inaugural 2005 season, the White Sox as a team have actually been to Washington two times. One in 2006 to celebrate their 2005 World Series win with President George W. Bush, and once in 2009 to meet the "first fan" President Barack Obama.
Good guesses everyone and we'll have another one up again shortly!
-While it seems like the answer is none, as the White Sox have never PLAYED in Washington since the inaugural 2005 season, the White Sox as a team have actually been to Washington two times. One in 2006 to celebrate their 2005 World Series win with President George W. Bush, and once in 2009 to meet the "first fan" President Barack Obama.
Good guesses everyone and we'll have another one up again shortly!
Daily Balks
1.) Former Georgia Tech All-American Center Sean Bedford was fined $5,000 after a written criticism of the NCAA regarding its sanctions on the school, stating that he would be willing to "provide [The NCAA] with that same amount of money [$312] (cash or check, your choice) in exchange for the reinstatement of the title my teammates and I earned through our blood, sweat and tears." NCAA spokesman Stacey Osbourne called the letter ridiculous and said that the offered $312 in cash was "insulting and not even close to a legitimate dollar value for reinstatement." Bedford, enrolled in the University of Florida's law school, plans to take down the institution that "reeks of an organization desperate to prove that it has some sort of control over its member institutions despite lacking the ability and firepower to police the serious offenders and protect the student-athletes whose interests you purport to have at heart." Osbourne, obviously insulted by Bedford's "cash or check" comment responded to the media on Friday morning: "I am insulted he would even make that statement. It's always Paypal. It always has been and it always will be" -The Atlanta Journal Constitution.
-In related news, Auburn officials invited the NCAA to their recruitment Happy Hour.
2.) 61 year-old Tom Watson carded a hole-in-one on the par 3 sixth hole in Sandwich, Kent at the 2011 British Open on Friday morning. Watson said that he was intrigued by the possibility after reading an "energy-saving" article in the July Issue of AARP the Magazine. The article suggested doing things in less steps, taking more chances, and doing things that would enable one to take more time resting or doing a leisurely activity. Watson realized that if he made it in using only one swing he could save an average of 2.5 swings a hole, allowing him more time and energy to focus on his Josephine Baker records at home. 27 years since his last major victory, Watson is looking to use this new approach to his advantage on the very hilly and bumpy course. Looking for "age-appropriate" sponsors, AARP executives have contacted Watson's agent about a possible sponsorship deal. -Golf Digest.
3.) NFL players and Owners have agreed to a new rookie wage scale, the biggest hurdle of the remaining issues forcing the NFL out of operations since May. According to one owner, the deal includes a "birth-right" option, which gives teams the ability to legally adopt players after their 4th year, controlling all monetary and playing rights for the rest of the player's adult life. "Our players are leaving the game earlier and earlier and we wanted to give our less privileged teams an opportunity to take a budding superstar and take away all of his future opportunities," the owner said. When asked how the players could agree to such a heinous idea, Arizona Cardinals owner Bill Bidwill said that it was a matter of time before players realized that "we can pay a 10 year-old to press B, why would we spend millions on another pawn?" Gabrielle Toledano, the Executive Vice President of Human Resources for EA Sports, the parent company of the "Madden" franchise called the decision "monumental" and hopes that players will finally understand "the sheer talent existing in the thumbs of millions of obese children." Steelers linebacker James Harrison called the ruling "pathetic" adding that if his Xbox "was on fire, I wouldn't piss on it." Commissioner Roger Goodell said that teams will get an additional 10 million in cap space if they acquire 25 or more foster children. According to reports, Michele Bachmann, will be the first to receive the cap space starting in January. -Sports Illustrated.
4.) The United States Women's Soccer Team is not only benefiting from excellent play in the 2011 World Cup, but also from an increased viewership in the science fiction realm. At a Star Wars trilogy gathering in San Bernardino, California last Sunday, a reported 200 Star Wars fans found themselves accidentally watching Hope Solo and the United States women win a thrilling battle with Brazil. "A Solo is always on our side, not the dark one, the other one," a fan explained. I never knew he [Hans] had a cousin. Or a wife. If so, may the force be with him." After the game, the fans vowed to support this new member of the squadron and scheduled a viewing of Solo's 2007 post-game explosion to get ready for future matches. -@ussoccer_wnt
-In related news, Auburn officials invited the NCAA to their recruitment Happy Hour.
2.) 61 year-old Tom Watson carded a hole-in-one on the par 3 sixth hole in Sandwich, Kent at the 2011 British Open on Friday morning. Watson said that he was intrigued by the possibility after reading an "energy-saving" article in the July Issue of AARP the Magazine. The article suggested doing things in less steps, taking more chances, and doing things that would enable one to take more time resting or doing a leisurely activity. Watson realized that if he made it in using only one swing he could save an average of 2.5 swings a hole, allowing him more time and energy to focus on his Josephine Baker records at home. 27 years since his last major victory, Watson is looking to use this new approach to his advantage on the very hilly and bumpy course. Looking for "age-appropriate" sponsors, AARP executives have contacted Watson's agent about a possible sponsorship deal. -Golf Digest.
3.) NFL players and Owners have agreed to a new rookie wage scale, the biggest hurdle of the remaining issues forcing the NFL out of operations since May. According to one owner, the deal includes a "birth-right" option, which gives teams the ability to legally adopt players after their 4th year, controlling all monetary and playing rights for the rest of the player's adult life. "Our players are leaving the game earlier and earlier and we wanted to give our less privileged teams an opportunity to take a budding superstar and take away all of his future opportunities," the owner said. When asked how the players could agree to such a heinous idea, Arizona Cardinals owner Bill Bidwill said that it was a matter of time before players realized that "we can pay a 10 year-old to press B, why would we spend millions on another pawn?" Gabrielle Toledano, the Executive Vice President of Human Resources for EA Sports, the parent company of the "Madden" franchise called the decision "monumental" and hopes that players will finally understand "the sheer talent existing in the thumbs of millions of obese children." Steelers linebacker James Harrison called the ruling "pathetic" adding that if his Xbox "was on fire, I wouldn't piss on it." Commissioner Roger Goodell said that teams will get an additional 10 million in cap space if they acquire 25 or more foster children. According to reports, Michele Bachmann, will be the first to receive the cap space starting in January. -Sports Illustrated.
4.) The United States Women's Soccer Team is not only benefiting from excellent play in the 2011 World Cup, but also from an increased viewership in the science fiction realm. At a Star Wars trilogy gathering in San Bernardino, California last Sunday, a reported 200 Star Wars fans found themselves accidentally watching Hope Solo and the United States women win a thrilling battle with Brazil. "A Solo is always on our side, not the dark one, the other one," a fan explained. I never knew he [Hans] had a cousin. Or a wife. If so, may the force be with him." After the game, the fans vowed to support this new member of the squadron and scheduled a viewing of Solo's 2007 post-game explosion to get ready for future matches. -@ussoccer_wnt
FCSLit Trivia Question of the Day
The first FCSLit trivia question.
Not including the 1901-1960 Washington Senators (now the Minnesota Twins) or the second Washington Senators (now the Texas Rangers), how many times have the Chicago White Sox been in Washington D.C. since the Nationals became a franchise in 2005?
Send guesses to @shakim12, scohak1236@gmail.com, or post a comment on the page.
Will reveal the answer later today
Not including the 1901-1960 Washington Senators (now the Minnesota Twins) or the second Washington Senators (now the Texas Rangers), how many times have the Chicago White Sox been in Washington D.C. since the Nationals became a franchise in 2005?
Send guesses to @shakim12, scohak1236@gmail.com, or post a comment on the page.
Will reveal the answer later today
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Ramblings from a Hockey Fan
New Columnist MO's ramblings from the world of hockey (strictly for the Canadians or hockey connoisseurs- hold the lemon, please).
Tweets from OVI8
Hi guys!!!!!!!!!I'm back in USA now!!!!! aha ha ha
Glamour says u guys think about me during sex. haha ahaha
last text was English hahahaha
-How many more golf trips can Osgood go on before he decides to come back and face Babcock face to face? Though the current trend seems to be for Detroit to be one of the last contenders and then not...vokoun anddd.... oh wait, is that Jagr? No it can't be, his agent lost him... It's just a lost and found poster.
-Donation pledges for Commodore 64 can be made here via Paypal. Hopefully he runs faster than an ancient 8-bit home computer.
Tweets from OVI8
Hi guys!!!!!!!!!I'm back in USA now!!!!! aha ha ha
Glamour says u guys think about me during sex. haha ahaha
last text was English hahahaha
-How many more golf trips can Osgood go on before he decides to come back and face Babcock face to face? Though the current trend seems to be for Detroit to be one of the last contenders and then not...vokoun anddd.... oh wait, is that Jagr? No it can't be, his agent lost him... It's just a lost and found poster.
-Donation pledges for Commodore 64 can be made here via Paypal. Hopefully he runs faster than an ancient 8-bit home computer.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Daily Balks
1.) The New York Islanders have sued the New York Rangers for not returning a toothbrush after their sleepover last Wednesday night. The Islanders claim that the Rangers were invited for a gathering in Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum, home of the Islanders, and, after the Rangers forgot their sleeping supplies, gave the Rangers one of their own toothbrushes. The report continued, saying that the Rangers called the home a "dump" and a "pathetic place to house guests." With that, the Rangers took the toothbrush and left. The hearing is scheduled for the United States Supreme Court next Wednesday as the opening act for the Roger Clemens Trial. -Reuters
2.) Golden State Warriors Guard Jeremy Lin was fined $30,000 for dribbling a basketball and Seattle Seahawks Guard Max Unger was seen locked out of his car after leaving his keys inside of the locked Seahawks' practice facility, highlighting the daily lockout watch. -LA Times.
3.) DeShon Marman, a college football player who was arrested for wearing "saggy pants" on a San Francisco U.S. Airways flight, will not be charged with a crime, sources say. Prosecutors say the trial would be a "waste of time." Rogers Clemens could not be reached for comment. -Brian McNamee
4.) The New England Revolution host Manchester United tonight in the World Football Challenge in Foxboro, Massachusetts a week and a half after the 235th year anniversary of America's Independence. The British powers have declined an invite to play the New York Red Bulls in New Jersey, saying, "it's too soon." - Manchester Times
5.) A fan was seen in attendance for a recent WNBA game, causing some NBA players to consider making the switch for the 2011-12 season. - Warner Brothers Pictures
6.) James Harrison said that he "hates" Roger Goodell and "If that man was on fire and I had to piss to put him out, I wouldn't do it. I hate him and will never respect him."
-UPDATE 5:10 P.M. Goodell is expected to give Harrison a 4 game suspension, and a cup... just in case. -Pittsburgh Live
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Balk: (R. Lentini Contributing Writer/ Accidental Occidental Man of Mystery)
"Stern, gothy Barista refuses to give players and owners the key to the NFL"
When asked about the controversy, the Barista in question, Callin Yates responded, "Just because Osi Umenyiora walked in here and ordered a biscotti doesn't
mean the rest of the members of his union get to use the NFL, alright?"
"Take me out to the Ballgame decides against playing during the 2011 MLB All-Star Game"
Daily Balks
Before getting into the Daily Balks, I wanted to take a minute to let you guys know about a few upcoming additions. Along with Ian Shepherd's upcoming fan shots and Diogo Dutcher's balks, Andrew Brown, Miles Thomas, Ryan Lentini and Dan Andrusko will begin serving as columnists with MO and Jonathan Luecke set to join as hockey analysts.
So stay tuned for all your favorite fake sports literature. Now onto the balks:
1.) In an attempt to show support for the gay community, former Dallas Cowboys receiver Michael Irvin posed shirtless on the cover of the newest edition of Out magazine. Other members of the famed 3-time super bowl champion Cowboys have also shown their support . Emmitt Smith, the hall of fame running back for the team won the 2006 Dancing with the Stars and cornerback and hall of famer Deion Sanders has many a time repped the tan on tan look. Irvin's told reporters that his main audience was the African American population, urging them to soften their hard stance on same sex marriage. Irvin hopes his scantily clad look will help other straight, black men understand the importance of acceptance. Asked if Irvin thought he had any gay teammates and what the reaction to them would be, Irvin responded: "We had a bunch of different characters on that team" [...] "Deion [Sanders] and Emmitt [Smith]. I believe that team would have handled it well." -FCSL Exclusive
2.) Derek Jeter has taken himself out of this weekend's all-star festivities citing "emotional and physical exhaustion," due to his chase of hit number 3,000 and the extra weight he has to carry around from his new 56 million dollar contract extension. Jeter also admitted that wearing pinstripes for the entirety of his lengthy career has led to many adverse affects, including experiencing optical illusions on the playing field. "Sometimes when people are moving around fast enough, I start to see things that aren't happening, you know, like those illusion things they show on TV," Jeter said. "It gets bad sometimes, like last week a grounder was hit to third and I started running after it, but I saw A-Rod running for it. I knew I had to be seeing something, because he never runs. So I just called up Minka [Kelly] and told her I needed some time off." -NY Times
-In related news, in an attempt to help Jeter with his on the field illusions, A-Rod underwent successful knee surgery that will give Jeter 4-6 weeks of reprieve.
So stay tuned for all your favorite fake sports literature. Now onto the balks:
1.) In an attempt to show support for the gay community, former Dallas Cowboys receiver Michael Irvin posed shirtless on the cover of the newest edition of Out magazine. Other members of the famed 3-time super bowl champion Cowboys have also shown their support . Emmitt Smith, the hall of fame running back for the team won the 2006 Dancing with the Stars and cornerback and hall of famer Deion Sanders has many a time repped the tan on tan look. Irvin's told reporters that his main audience was the African American population, urging them to soften their hard stance on same sex marriage. Irvin hopes his scantily clad look will help other straight, black men understand the importance of acceptance. Asked if Irvin thought he had any gay teammates and what the reaction to them would be, Irvin responded: "We had a bunch of different characters on that team" [...] "Deion [Sanders] and Emmitt [Smith]. I believe that team would have handled it well." -FCSL Exclusive
2.) Derek Jeter has taken himself out of this weekend's all-star festivities citing "emotional and physical exhaustion," due to his chase of hit number 3,000 and the extra weight he has to carry around from his new 56 million dollar contract extension. Jeter also admitted that wearing pinstripes for the entirety of his lengthy career has led to many adverse affects, including experiencing optical illusions on the playing field. "Sometimes when people are moving around fast enough, I start to see things that aren't happening, you know, like those illusion things they show on TV," Jeter said. "It gets bad sometimes, like last week a grounder was hit to third and I started running after it, but I saw A-Rod running for it. I knew I had to be seeing something, because he never runs. So I just called up Minka [Kelly] and told her I needed some time off." -NY Times
-In related news, in an attempt to help Jeter with his on the field illusions, A-Rod underwent successful knee surgery that will give Jeter 4-6 weeks of reprieve.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Youthful Exuberance
The town prosecutor in Castle Rock, Colorado was one of three adults charged with third degree assault and disorderly conduct after a melee in a 12 year-old little league baseball tournament. Christy Ausmus, the prosecutor in question, started attacking a parent after she claimed to see the parent putting her son in a headlock: "I hit (the man) as hard as I could, as many times as I could, to get him off my kid [...] "[h]e suffers constant headaches still from the concussion." The Castle Rock Municipal Court reports that Ausmus will serve as her own prosecutor.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Daily Balks
1.) Adam "Pacman" Jones was arrested late Saturday night in a Cincinnati Bar after yelling drunken profanities and then resisting arrest. Spectators say Jones became incensed when the bar owner told him that he couldn't "make it rain" on his employees. -Cincinnati Intelligencer
2.) Japan defeated host and favorites Germany in the Quarterfinals of the 2011 FIFA Women's World Cup, reminding all nations of the importance of hospitality. -Anne Frank
3.) Amid the uncertain NBA future, Lebron James has decided to take his talents to South Crete. -#myBigFatGreekDecision
4.) Derek Jeter joined the famed 3,000 hits club with a 5 for 5 outing against the Tampa Bay Rays on Saturday, connecting for a Solo Homerun against pitcher David Price in the 3rd inning for hit number 3,000. Touchstone pictures could not be reached for comment. -Mr. 3000.
5.) The United States Women's Soccer team defeated Jacqui Melksham 3-2 final/pk (5-3) in the Quarterfinals of the 2011 FIFA Women's World Cup. -Sepp "I'm not corrupt" Blattter
2.) Japan defeated host and favorites Germany in the Quarterfinals of the 2011 FIFA Women's World Cup, reminding all nations of the importance of hospitality. -Anne Frank
3.) Amid the uncertain NBA future, Lebron James has decided to take his talents to South Crete. -#myBigFatGreekDecision
4.) Derek Jeter joined the famed 3,000 hits club with a 5 for 5 outing against the Tampa Bay Rays on Saturday, connecting for a Solo Homerun against pitcher David Price in the 3rd inning for hit number 3,000. Touchstone pictures could not be reached for comment. -Mr. 3000.
5.) The United States Women's Soccer team defeated Jacqui Melksham 3-2 final/pk (5-3) in the Quarterfinals of the 2011 FIFA Women's World Cup. -Sepp "I'm not corrupt" Blattter
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Daily Balks
1.) Canadian sports doctor Anthony Galea plead guilty to smuggling illegal performance enhancing drugs into the United States in front of U.S. District Judge Richard Arcara on wednesday morning. Galea, connected with high profile clients such as Alex Rodriguez and Tiger Woods, reportedly treated 20 professional athletes with the illegal substances during a span of two years starting in fall 2007. Looks like we are focusing on the wrong border -"The Monkey"
-In related news, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman was unsuccessful in his attempt to squeeze his way into the courtroom, citing his Canadian references as reasoning.
2.) Sweden topped the American Women in the final group match of the 2011 Women's World Cup, resulting in the Yanks first group stage loss in their tournament history, inching ever closer to the men's 17. -USA Today.
3.) Minnesota Timberwolves forward Michael Beasley was given a $128 dollar fine for possession of marijuana after a traffic stop in Minnetonka, Minnesota. Surprisingly, Beasley was a bit concerned with the fine, realizing the upcoming lockout will have a bigger impact on his life than he even thought: "When I was making bank, these stops were nothing; but now that I'm not making money for at least a year, I can only afford like, maybe 1, 2, stops a month. It's hard." When asked how he would reduce cost this summer, Beasley responded: "Buy in bulk." -The Minnesotan
4.) Professional eating champion Takeru Kobayashi was banned from competing at the annual Nathan's 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Championships on Coney Island because he refused to sign a contract with Major League Eating, the sponsor of the event. However, Kobayashi held his own competition in Manhattan, consuming 69 Hot Dogs in 12 minutes, breaking the world record of 68 and topping 2011 champion Joey Chesnut's 62. However, because of Kobayashi's refusal to sign a contract, the number is not considered a world record and is not endorsed by the world eating board. Erik the Red Denmark, Crazy Legs Conti, and Allen Goldstein, three good friends of Kobayashi were some of the many eaters sharing their displeasure with the league. With his absence, Kobayashi's roasted pork bun world record seems to be very much in doubt as MLE has been speaking with lawyers to see how to remove (or asterisk) all of his world records: "We have a problem in eating, we eat too much [...] but I will not allow anyone to eat unsigned [...] it just taints this great American pastime." -Internet Blog (why would this ever be in a legitimate publication?) (Oops).
Update 7:05 P.M. MLE is looking at a possible lockout for the 2011-12 eating season.
5a.) In another example of strong priority and economic management, The United States' Federal Court has begun the Roger Clemens trial. -G.O.P. Today
5b.) In another example of strong priority and economic management, the previous article was constructed. -The DNC
6.) Brett Favre has told close friends that he intends to come out of retirement in 2011, citing the revealing of a new "relaxed boot" Wranglers jeans. -Somewhere in Mississippi.
-In related news, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman was unsuccessful in his attempt to squeeze his way into the courtroom, citing his Canadian references as reasoning.
2.) Sweden topped the American Women in the final group match of the 2011 Women's World Cup, resulting in the Yanks first group stage loss in their tournament history, inching ever closer to the men's 17. -USA Today.
3.) Minnesota Timberwolves forward Michael Beasley was given a $128 dollar fine for possession of marijuana after a traffic stop in Minnetonka, Minnesota. Surprisingly, Beasley was a bit concerned with the fine, realizing the upcoming lockout will have a bigger impact on his life than he even thought: "When I was making bank, these stops were nothing; but now that I'm not making money for at least a year, I can only afford like, maybe 1, 2, stops a month. It's hard." When asked how he would reduce cost this summer, Beasley responded: "Buy in bulk." -The Minnesotan
4.) Professional eating champion Takeru Kobayashi was banned from competing at the annual Nathan's 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Championships on Coney Island because he refused to sign a contract with Major League Eating, the sponsor of the event. However, Kobayashi held his own competition in Manhattan, consuming 69 Hot Dogs in 12 minutes, breaking the world record of 68 and topping 2011 champion Joey Chesnut's 62. However, because of Kobayashi's refusal to sign a contract, the number is not considered a world record and is not endorsed by the world eating board. Erik the Red Denmark, Crazy Legs Conti, and Allen Goldstein, three good friends of Kobayashi were some of the many eaters sharing their displeasure with the league. With his absence, Kobayashi's roasted pork bun world record seems to be very much in doubt as MLE has been speaking with lawyers to see how to remove (or asterisk) all of his world records: "We have a problem in eating, we eat too much [...] but I will not allow anyone to eat unsigned [...] it just taints this great American pastime." -Internet Blog (why would this ever be in a legitimate publication?) (Oops).
Update 7:05 P.M. MLE is looking at a possible lockout for the 2011-12 eating season.
5a.) In another example of strong priority and economic management, The United States' Federal Court has begun the Roger Clemens trial. -G.O.P. Today
5b.) In another example of strong priority and economic management, the previous article was constructed. -The DNC
6.) Brett Favre has told close friends that he intends to come out of retirement in 2011, citing the revealing of a new "relaxed boot" Wranglers jeans. -Somewhere in Mississippi.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
La Vida es mas que dinero.
Dallas Mavericks guard Rudy Fernandez turned down a six year, $26 million dollar contract offer from Spanish ACB's Real Madrid, opting to forgo the opportunity to become the highest paid Spanish player, and instead, choosing to stay in the NBA for at least the near future. In the meantime, Fernandez will not play or make any money in the upcoming locked out NBA season.
Daily Balk
Jose Mourinho is slowly turning Real Madrid C.F. into the Portuguese national team. Can't blame him though. F.C. Barcelona's starting lineup is practically Spain's national team. "El Clasico" will now be known as "The Iberian War". -@Diogo1522
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Daily Balks
1.) Racecar driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. has made headlines by complaining about the new-wave "drafting" style of racing, calling it "really weird and kinda wrong on some levels to race that way." Earnhardt, specifically talking about the upcoming Daytona 500, was fuming after placing 19th in his most recent race. Instead, Earnhardt wants to go back to the old style of racing where cars observe the "one car length" rule that most pedestrian drivers abide by. Teammate Jimmie Johnson was not too thrilled with the idea, calling racing a "man's sport" and for Earnhardt to get with the "new-age of racing." When asked to comment, Earnhardt replied: "I'm not gonna even dignify that a response... a sport? Really?" -NASCAR Weekly.
2.) Marta scored two goals in Brazil's 3-0 win over Norway, guaranteeing Brazil's participation in the final 8 of the 2011 Women's World Cup, and putting many Atlantans out of public transportation for at least another 2 weeks. -Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed
3.) In an effort to outshine the 2010 NCAA football champion Auburn Tigers, the runner-up Oregon Ducks have announced their own institutional violations, reportedly paying a scout $25,000 to help recruit players. The move isn't a surprise to most who have watched the Ducks in action. One unnamed fan exclaimed: "They'd have to pay me a lot more than that to get me in one of those uniforms." In an effort to win the uniform recruiting battle, Oregon State AD Bob De Carolis decided to offer up a much more chic option. -Oregonian.
4.) The MLB announced the AL and NL All-Star teams on Sunday afternoon, reminding Americans that city population is in direct proportion to internet usage. -Annoyed Royals Fan.
5.) In a shocking move, after 43 years of being broadcast on NBC, Wimbledon will be moving to ESPN starting next year. Receiving too much exposure on a nationally televised channel, Tennis executives decided on the move to network television in order to "help keep our sporting image hidden from the American populous." -Yahoo Sports.
-In related news, NBC has come to an agreement with the NHL to broadcast more games in the 2011-12 season. Early projections show no change in viewership for the network or league.
2.) Marta scored two goals in Brazil's 3-0 win over Norway, guaranteeing Brazil's participation in the final 8 of the 2011 Women's World Cup, and putting many Atlantans out of public transportation for at least another 2 weeks. -Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed
3.) In an effort to outshine the 2010 NCAA football champion Auburn Tigers, the runner-up Oregon Ducks have announced their own institutional violations, reportedly paying a scout $25,000 to help recruit players. The move isn't a surprise to most who have watched the Ducks in action. One unnamed fan exclaimed: "They'd have to pay me a lot more than that to get me in one of those uniforms." In an effort to win the uniform recruiting battle, Oregon State AD Bob De Carolis decided to offer up a much more chic option. -Oregonian.
4.) The MLB announced the AL and NL All-Star teams on Sunday afternoon, reminding Americans that city population is in direct proportion to internet usage. -Annoyed Royals Fan.
5.) In a shocking move, after 43 years of being broadcast on NBC, Wimbledon will be moving to ESPN starting next year. Receiving too much exposure on a nationally televised channel, Tennis executives decided on the move to network television in order to "help keep our sporting image hidden from the American populous." -Yahoo Sports.
-In related news, NBC has come to an agreement with the NHL to broadcast more games in the 2011-12 season. Early projections show no change in viewership for the network or league.
Friday, July 1, 2011
A-Rod's New Love Affair
New York Yankees Third Basemen Alex Rodriquez was quoted as saying New York Mets shortstop Jose Reyes is the "world's greatest player playing shortstop [...] and the most exciting." This is not the first time that A-Rod has staked his claim in the Reyes Club, also speaking highly of him in the 2009 World Baseball Classic.
Seen as a backhanded comment to New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter, many in the New York area waited for the famed pinstripe to chime in. However, it was Reyes who spoke up first, revealing a dark secret about A-Rod's private life:
"I can't hold it in any longer. A-Rod and I first met in Cabo in '03 when I was a rookie and we've been double play partners ever since. He was always afraid of telling Mikey [Young] (''03 Texas Rangers 2B) and Jeter ('04-present) of our secret turning ability. I don't want to start anything, but he always tells me I release the ball faster than Jeter."
When FCSL probed A-Rod on this issue he seemed a bit embarrassed and taken aback. "I guess I just wasn't satisfied with the relationship," A-Rod said. "Sure we got outs, but I just didn't feel the pop as much in the glove when I was throwing to him, you know what I mean?"
Reyes also revealed that he hopes to one day play with A-Rod in public, saying: "It's time for the big lights. We've been turning so much in private that I think we've perfected the play. I think it's time." Reyes is scheduled to become a free agent next year and his future with the Mets is certainly in doubt. Where would you two play, Reyes was asked? "Maybe New York, maybe not. I just want to play with my partner."
-Cameron Diaz could not be reached for comment. -Associated Press
Update: 7:20 P.M.: A-Rod and the media had a little run during the interview, reenacting A-Rod's steroid confession speech.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Afternoon Balks
1.) The nationals are now 0-3 under new manager Davey Johnson. When asked if there was cause for concern, third basemen Ryan Zimmerman shook away the notion: "We're back to our regular old ways of losing....everything's back to normal." -Washington Post via @diogo1522
2.) The Detroit Tigers and Cleveland Indians are currently tied for first place in the AL Central, in a riveting race between the two most depressing cities in America. -Kansas City Royals Fan via @diogo1522.
3.) In a disturbing continuation of our "Plank: The Athletes" series, Falcons Rookie Linebacker Akeem Dent was pictured planking on a police car and said this on twitter: “Im against all this #plankin but when u plankin on a police car u get mad respect!!!! Aint nobody gpnna top that” [...]“All I can say is #plankin to the max!!! Yes the man let us do it.” -Sportingnews72
Update 3:29 P.M.: Gilbert Arenas was found planking on top of a gun with a sign that read: "Plank this." Topped.
4.) Professional Golfer Sean O'Hair returns to the Aronimink Golf Club in Newtown Square, PA for this weekend's AT&T national, one year after becoming the first athlete to check for cancerous tumors on the golf course. With the most precise of skill, O'Hair hit an errant shot last year that struck Philadelphia native Chris Logan in the head, leading to the discovery of a malignant tumor on his neck. Logan is now cancer free and recently met O'Hair at the course. The Philadelphia County Medical Society plans to vacation to the course this weekend for tips on prodcedural examinations. FCSL could not get an interview with O'Hair because it was considered too dangerous to be within 50 feet of him. -Daily News.
5.) Michael Jordan's love letter to a girl in high school was recently released to the public, putting to rest the debate over who really is the best ever: "How are you and your family doing, fine I hope. I am in my Adv. Chemistry class writing you a letter, so that tell you how much I care for you. … I want you to know that my feeling for you has not change yet. ← (joke) I am finally getting use to going with a girl much smaller than I. I hope you my hint. Well I have spent my time very wisely by write to you. I hope you write back soon. Well I must go, the period is almost over. See you next time around, which I hope comes soon." -Sportsnews72
Update 2:49 P.M.: Lebron James also released a letter to the public: "L." -via Jason Terry's NBA trophy tattoo.
BONUS Headline:
Via ESPN.com, "Ochocinco thinks Cincy's seen last of Palmer." Reports remind ESPN of the city's lack of eyes. -FCSL exclusive report.
2.) The Detroit Tigers and Cleveland Indians are currently tied for first place in the AL Central, in a riveting race between the two most depressing cities in America. -Kansas City Royals Fan via @diogo1522.
3.) In a disturbing continuation of our "Plank: The Athletes" series, Falcons Rookie Linebacker Akeem Dent was pictured planking on a police car and said this on twitter: “Im against all this #plankin but when u plankin on a police car u get mad respect!!!! Aint nobody gpnna top that” [...]“All I can say is #plankin to the max!!! Yes the man let us do it.” -Sportingnews72
Update 3:29 P.M.: Gilbert Arenas was found planking on top of a gun with a sign that read: "Plank this." Topped.
4.) Professional Golfer Sean O'Hair returns to the Aronimink Golf Club in Newtown Square, PA for this weekend's AT&T national, one year after becoming the first athlete to check for cancerous tumors on the golf course. With the most precise of skill, O'Hair hit an errant shot last year that struck Philadelphia native Chris Logan in the head, leading to the discovery of a malignant tumor on his neck. Logan is now cancer free and recently met O'Hair at the course. The Philadelphia County Medical Society plans to vacation to the course this weekend for tips on prodcedural examinations. FCSL could not get an interview with O'Hair because it was considered too dangerous to be within 50 feet of him. -Daily News.
5.) Michael Jordan's love letter to a girl in high school was recently released to the public, putting to rest the debate over who really is the best ever: "How are you and your family doing, fine I hope. I am in my Adv. Chemistry class writing you a letter, so that tell you how much I care for you. … I want you to know that my feeling for you has not change yet. ← (joke) I am finally getting use to going with a girl much smaller than I. I hope you my hint. Well I have spent my time very wisely by write to you. I hope you write back soon. Well I must go, the period is almost over. See you next time around, which I hope comes soon." -Sportsnews72
Update 2:49 P.M.: Lebron James also released a letter to the public: "L." -via Jason Terry's NBA trophy tattoo.
BONUS Headline:
Via ESPN.com, "Ochocinco thinks Cincy's seen last of Palmer." Reports remind ESPN of the city's lack of eyes. -FCSL exclusive report.
Wild Thing's Juice
Actor Charlie Sheen admitted to taking steroids for "like six or eight weeks" on Thursday afternoon in preparation for the filming of Major League in 1989. Portraying Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn, a pitcher for the Cleveland Indians, Sheen was aiming to get his fastball from just about 79 mph to 85 mph because the difference is extremely noticeable on the big screen. A shocked Jonathan Mariner, Executive Vice President of Major League Baseball released the following statement: "Mr. Sheen underwent all of the steroid tests and passed all of them. I am at a loss for words. Baseball is a clean sport. I promise."
However, FCSL was able to acquire documents indicting other members of that famed Indians squad, including slugger Wesley Snipes (Willie Mays Hayes), catcher Tom Berenger (Jake Taylor), and pitcher Chelcie Ross (Eddie Harris).
With these new allegations, the Supreme Court has issued subpoenas to Snipes and Ross for the use of performance enhancing drugs in shows and movies such as Prison Break, The Sopranos, Blade, White Men Can't Jump (obvious implications here), Demolition Man, Unstoppable, Blade II, Game of Death, and Grey's Anatomy.
Sheen's use in the '89 season puts a lot of questions in the minds of fans regarding players such as the Giants' Kevin Mitchell and his 47 homeruns. However, Sheen makes clear that he is done using steriods and although they increased his performance, they decreased his sex-drive and "made [Sheen] a bit more irritable than normal." -ESPN.com
-In related news, since Sheen stopped using steroids, his sex drive has increase #winning. -TMZ
However, FCSL was able to acquire documents indicting other members of that famed Indians squad, including slugger Wesley Snipes (Willie Mays Hayes), catcher Tom Berenger (Jake Taylor), and pitcher Chelcie Ross (Eddie Harris).
With these new allegations, the Supreme Court has issued subpoenas to Snipes and Ross for the use of performance enhancing drugs in shows and movies such as Prison Break, The Sopranos, Blade, White Men Can't Jump (obvious implications here), Demolition Man, Unstoppable, Blade II, Game of Death, and Grey's Anatomy.
Sheen's use in the '89 season puts a lot of questions in the minds of fans regarding players such as the Giants' Kevin Mitchell and his 47 homeruns. However, Sheen makes clear that he is done using steriods and although they increased his performance, they decreased his sex-drive and "made [Sheen] a bit more irritable than normal." -ESPN.com
-In related news, since Sheen stopped using steroids, his sex drive has increase #winning. -TMZ
Lockouts
A new CBA agreement looks grim for the NBA before Thursday night's midnight deadline, forcing the NBA into a lockout, the second major sports league taking this action after the NFL first was locked out in March. You'd think someone would have found a key by now. -NY Times
Update 9:13 A.M.: NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has just been found locked out of his New York office, in a perceived attempt to garner news coverage.
Update 9:13 A.M.: NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has just been found locked out of his New York office, in a perceived attempt to garner news coverage.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Contributing Columnist Diogo Dutcher's Evening Balks
1.) The United States Men's National Team head coach Bob Bradley is working with lawyers to provide a
contract clause in case of resignation or termination from the soccer association. James Hurst, J.D. from the law offices of Hurst & Thompson located in Bradenton, FL, the active lawyer in these
proceedings, released the following statement: "Mr. Bradley still wishes to be included on the parent email
list, enabling him to be a part of the committee providing halftime and post-game treats; such as Gatorade,
orange slices, fruit roll-ups, and goldfish; notwithstanding of his position with the team, as long as his son
Michael [Midfielder] remains on the team." Sources say that the deal is contingent on the father-son combo
maintaining their baldness. -Sam's Army.
2.) Tiger woods took on his first sponsorship post Nike, a heat vapor rub called Vantelin Kowa first
produced by the Kowa Company Ltd. of Japan in February 2010. There has long been a FDA mandate against the use of these rubs in the United States. However, if used, infidelity was listed as the most common side effect. -US Federal Trade Commission.
3.) Roger Federer was undefeated when holding a 2 set lead in a Grand Slam until Wednesday afternoon,
falling to Frenchman Jo-Wi [FCSL exclusive naming rights] in 5 sets. Jo-Wi will now always be remembered
as "that one guy who broke Roger Federer's record of winning every match when holding a two set lead in a
Grand Slam," which means we will probably only see Jo-Wi's name again as the answer to a trivia question in between sets of the 2031 Wimbledon Tournament [why did we buy these naming rights?] -Berries and
Cream Dessert.
Walk-off Balk from contriubtor Scott Hakim:
-Kulsoom Abdullah, a Muslim Weightlifter from Atlanta, Georgia, has won the battle against the Malaysian
International Weightlifting Federation, successfully enabling her to observe female Muslim dress code while
competing. The Federeation is allowing all athletes to wear a "one piece full body tight fitted 'unitard' under
the compulsory weightlifting costume" that will still allow judges to see whether the knees and elbows are
locked for a successful lift. According to New York costume designer Fabio Toblini, early indications reveal
he satin-blue, jeweled chiffon collar to be the unitard of choice for most participants.
Update 9:30 P.M.: Toblini plans to reveal his vaunted "Halloween" collection in the fall.
contract clause in case of resignation or termination from the soccer association. James Hurst, J.D. from the law offices of Hurst & Thompson located in Bradenton, FL, the active lawyer in these
proceedings, released the following statement: "Mr. Bradley still wishes to be included on the parent email
list, enabling him to be a part of the committee providing halftime and post-game treats; such as Gatorade,
orange slices, fruit roll-ups, and goldfish; notwithstanding of his position with the team, as long as his son
Michael [Midfielder] remains on the team." Sources say that the deal is contingent on the father-son combo
maintaining their baldness. -Sam's Army.
2.) Tiger woods took on his first sponsorship post Nike, a heat vapor rub called Vantelin Kowa first
produced by the Kowa Company Ltd. of Japan in February 2010. There has long been a FDA mandate against the use of these rubs in the United States. However, if used, infidelity was listed as the most common side effect. -US Federal Trade Commission.
3.) Roger Federer was undefeated when holding a 2 set lead in a Grand Slam until Wednesday afternoon,
falling to Frenchman Jo-Wi [FCSL exclusive naming rights] in 5 sets. Jo-Wi will now always be remembered
as "that one guy who broke Roger Federer's record of winning every match when holding a two set lead in a
Grand Slam," which means we will probably only see Jo-Wi's name again as the answer to a trivia question in between sets of the 2031 Wimbledon Tournament [why did we buy these naming rights?] -Berries and
Cream Dessert.
Walk-off Balk from contriubtor Scott Hakim:
-Kulsoom Abdullah, a Muslim Weightlifter from Atlanta, Georgia, has won the battle against the Malaysian
International Weightlifting Federation, successfully enabling her to observe female Muslim dress code while
competing. The Federeation is allowing all athletes to wear a "one piece full body tight fitted 'unitard' under
the compulsory weightlifting costume" that will still allow judges to see whether the knees and elbows are
locked for a successful lift. According to New York costume designer Fabio Toblini, early indications reveal
he satin-blue, jeweled chiffon collar to be the unitard of choice for most participants.
Update 9:30 P.M.: Toblini plans to reveal his vaunted "Halloween" collection in the fall.
Afternoon Balks
1.) Due to the previously reported trade of their seats for fans, the Florida Marlins just completed a 3 game home series 2,734 miles away in Seattle. I guess Tampa Bay was taken. -Confused fan who showed up to watch the game in Miami.
2.) Due mostly to his cool name, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga came from 2 sets down to upset Roger Federer in the Quarterfinals of Wimbledon. Jo-Wi, as FCSL will hereby refer to him, is the 12th seeded player in the world after a strong showing in the 2008 Australian Open. FCSL likes him to become the next superstar in Tennis... unless, of course, he realizes he is French (or that he plays Tennis). -Napoleon, the last relevant Frenchman
Update 2:50 P.M.: Oh, wait....
3.) Eight players were suspended from Mexico's Copa America soccer team on Wednesday, citing female guests in their hotel rooms. At least they were actually women -Ronaldo (Brazil: refer here)
4.) As the exclusive provider of Kansas City Royals news, FCSL is the first to break the story that the Kansas City Royals are currently playing the San Diego Padres -FCSL exclusive report ($).
5.) In an effort to compete with the coverage of the NBA draft last Thursday, the Philadelphia Flyers traded Jeff Carter to the Columbus Blue Jackets and Mike Richards to the Los Angeles Kings, dealing their two top paid and leading point getters for the past half decade. When they realized the ploy didn't work, the Flyers feverishly tried to reacquire the two players. Failing, they decided to sign a 31 year old goalie for 9 years. -A laughing 37 year old Tim Thomas.
2.) Due mostly to his cool name, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga came from 2 sets down to upset Roger Federer in the Quarterfinals of Wimbledon. Jo-Wi, as FCSL will hereby refer to him, is the 12th seeded player in the world after a strong showing in the 2008 Australian Open. FCSL likes him to become the next superstar in Tennis... unless, of course, he realizes he is French (or that he plays Tennis). -Napoleon, the last relevant Frenchman
Update 2:50 P.M.: Oh, wait....
3.) Eight players were suspended from Mexico's Copa America soccer team on Wednesday, citing female guests in their hotel rooms. At least they were actually women -Ronaldo (Brazil: refer here)
4.) As the exclusive provider of Kansas City Royals news, FCSL is the first to break the story that the Kansas City Royals are currently playing the San Diego Padres -FCSL exclusive report ($).
5.) In an effort to compete with the coverage of the NBA draft last Thursday, the Philadelphia Flyers traded Jeff Carter to the Columbus Blue Jackets and Mike Richards to the Los Angeles Kings, dealing their two top paid and leading point getters for the past half decade. When they realized the ploy didn't work, the Flyers feverishly tried to reacquire the two players. Failing, they decided to sign a 31 year old goalie for 9 years. -A laughing 37 year old Tim Thomas.
New Contributing Columnist
We are pleased to welcome new contributing columnist Diogo Dutcher to FCSL. He will be doing daily and weekly posts about all things irrelevant in sports.
Morning Balks June 29th, 2011
The Morning Newsroom on This Wednesday Morning, the 29th of June.
1.) The South Carolina Gamecocks won the College World Series for the second consecutive year proving that you can win with a dumb nickname -A hopeful UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs
2.) TMZ reports that Reggie Bush is dating a Kim Kardashian look alike. Ironic, because Kim Kardashian is dating an NBA player look-alike.
-Update 10:49 A.M.: The look alike is actually a Kris Humphries, a player on the New Jersey Nets
-Update 10:50 A.M.: We stand by our initial report -@Diogo1522 (new contributing columnist)
3.) Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Cliff Lee threw a complete game 2-hit shutout against the Boston Red Sox on Tuesday Evening. The start was especially impressive considering the potent offense of the Red Sox. In order to try and combat rookie Vance Worley on Wednesday, the Red Sox have decided to forgo the first base position, inserting David Ortiz into the lineup -Philadelphia Daily News
4.) ESPN.com reports that the MLB will "'probably' try taking Dodgers." This conviction has led to an increase in Dee Gordon replica crew cuts -Sally Hershberger, Hairstylist to the stars.
5.) The University of Georgia has notified the NCAA about concerns over the eligibility of two athletes.
-In related news, the NCAA was unable to find records confirming that this was a real university. -NCAA.com
1.) The South Carolina Gamecocks won the College World Series for the second consecutive year proving that you can win with a dumb nickname -A hopeful UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs
2.) TMZ reports that Reggie Bush is dating a Kim Kardashian look alike. Ironic, because Kim Kardashian is dating an NBA player look-alike.
-Update 10:49 A.M.: The look alike is actually a Kris Humphries, a player on the New Jersey Nets
-Update 10:50 A.M.: We stand by our initial report -@Diogo1522 (new contributing columnist)
3.) Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Cliff Lee threw a complete game 2-hit shutout against the Boston Red Sox on Tuesday Evening. The start was especially impressive considering the potent offense of the Red Sox. In order to try and combat rookie Vance Worley on Wednesday, the Red Sox have decided to forgo the first base position, inserting David Ortiz into the lineup -Philadelphia Daily News
4.) ESPN.com reports that the MLB will "'probably' try taking Dodgers." This conviction has led to an increase in Dee Gordon replica crew cuts -Sally Hershberger, Hairstylist to the stars.
5.) The University of Georgia has notified the NCAA about concerns over the eligibility of two athletes.
-In related news, the NCAA was unable to find records confirming that this was a real university. -NCAA.com
BREAKING NEWS: NFLPA and NFL Owners Agree to New CBA
After over 100 days of a labor lockout, the NFL and its players have agreed to a new 12 year collective bargaining agreement. Overcoming the difficult issue of how to split up over 9 billion dollars in revenue (estimated to at least double in the next half decade), this is a monumental decision for the most popular sports league in the United States. The deal, including the widely reported rookie wage scale, expanded training camp rosters, and clause to add 2 games to the schedule starting in 2014 if the revenue surpasses 14 billion dollars, was agreed upon Wednesday morning in an undisclosed location right outside of Minneapolis, Minnesota. The Executive Director of the Players, DeMaurice Smith, and former center and current NFLPA President Kevin Mawae held a joint news conference with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to announce the agreement.
Opting not to disclose the entire agreement, Smith outlined the favorable clauses given to the players. Smith celebrated not only receiving 48% of the revenue share, but also getting the opportunity to see the midnight showing of Transformers before signing the final papers. According to the AP, Goodell was also seen at the theater leading some to speculate the imminent signing of the deal. Other player's clauses included a new 14 day vacation list, allowed tweeting during games, no pads during weekly practices, and full access to stadium vendors after each game. Said one unnamed AFC North Lineman, "We get paid AND get free food? Are you kidding me?"
Dallas Cowboys' Owner Jerry Jones called the deal "groundbreaking," comparing it favorably to the new Cowboys Stadium constructed two years ago: "This deal is like the paper version of my stadium; lavish, unnecessary, and filled with a lot of things that have nothing to do with football." Perhaps a bit more owner friendly than most anticipated, clauses have been added to help ensure owners of franchises more flexibility in the upcoming seasons. One such rule, tabbed the "JJ Rule" named after the aforementioned Jones, requires all NFL teams to interview at least one billionaire coaching candidate, aimed towards combating the highly successful, but extremely unionized "Rooney Rule" that makes each NFL team interview one minority candidate. Said Jones, "Did you see how long that took for us to deal with millionaires? We need to hire more billionaires. This is a business [...] we don't have time to kick it with a bunch of low upper class former athletes who only care about winning."
Sources say that the deal came together at about 8:40 A.M. when former NFL QB and current ESPN analyst Trent Dilfer made a spearheading proposal. According to NFC South General Manager, Dilfer proposed to get rid of kickers, saying the cut down salary will "increase total revenue opportunities" and allow for a more "exciting and athletic game." Upon proposal of this deal, the General Manager claimed that the entire room starting yelling and celebrating, realizing the move was the final piece needed to come to an agreement. This is good news for Ndamukong Suh, Chad Ochocinco, and Wes Welker, three position players who attempted field goals or extra point attempts in the last two years. Jay Feely, the most vocal of NFL kickers called the move "souring," adding that "we [kickers] fooled them [fans] for all these years into thinking that we were real athletes, it is just a shame that this ride is over." When asked what he will do now that he has no other opportunity for a football career, Feely said that he has received a contract offer to join the Professional Bowlers Association.
After months of tumultuous off the field incidents, this is welcome news for the NFL and its players. Now athletes like Ochocinco, Tom Zibikowski, and Marcedes Lewis will have to give up their summer soccer or fighting careers to focus on acclimating back to the game. The big question on the mind of fans, however, is the readiness of many of the players. According to New York Giants Offensive Lineman Shawn Andrews' official Twitter page, he will be one of the many players having issues getting used to the rigors of the game: "I have tried EVERY Flavor of Pringles & None Of Em Quench My Appetite for That Crunch Like A Dorito.. Doritos Are A Drug."
Enduring a difficult few months, Commissioner Roger Goodell said that he is relieved to have all this behind him: "I haven't slept in two days, but it was worth it. All I could think of was the fans. We need to get this done for the fans. But I definitely needed to make sure we did everything possible to acquire as much currency as possible. Listen, fining James Harrison every game can only get us so much cash, we needed this deal." When asked about the relationship between Owners and players, Goodell remained cautiously optimistic: "It's nothing a few Buds and a performance bonus can't fix."
The NFL will officially release the CBA next week, but will proceed with the free agency period immediately. This is bad news for the Carolina Panthers who had hoped to remain invisible for another year. Per Carolina Panthers' President Danny Morrison, "I'd pay more money to see Disney on Ice than our sodden franchise." No Carolina Panthers fans could be found for comment.
UPDATE 9:30 A.M.
In a stunning addition to the new CBA, the NFL has announced that the Buffalo Bills, Jacksonville Jaguars, San Diego Chargers and Minnesota Vikings will be relocated to Tiajuana to form the new Los Angeles Division of Mexico. Reports from Los Angeles Chairman of Commerce Joseph Czyzyk say that the deal was made after the city lost its funding for the new projected stadium. "The NFL needs to be in this great city, and we couldn't let a stupid stadium stand in our way." But why the move to Tiajuana? Czyzyk calls it a "win-win" for the American people. "Listen, I know Los Angeles is a spanish name, but c'mon, there are way too many Mexicans living here and taking all of our jobs. We trick them into working for these new teams, get cheap labor to build the stadiums and then never let them back in." When asked about the players on these franchises, Czyzyk claimed that they will have a great life in Mexico playing against themselves: "It's a dream scenario, getting paid to stare at San Diego." Fans of these franchises could also not be reached.
UPDATE: 10:17 A.M.
The NHL has announced a lockout for the 2011-12 after seeing the successful model of the NFL.
After months of tumultuous off the field incidents, this is welcome news for the NFL and its players. Now athletes like Ochocinco, Tom Zibikowski, and Marcedes Lewis will have to give up their summer soccer or fighting careers to focus on acclimating back to the game. The big question on the mind of fans, however, is the readiness of many of the players. According to New York Giants Offensive Lineman Shawn Andrews' official Twitter page, he will be one of the many players having issues getting used to the rigors of the game: "I have tried EVERY Flavor of Pringles & None Of Em Quench My Appetite for That Crunch Like A Dorito.. Doritos Are A Drug."
Enduring a difficult few months, Commissioner Roger Goodell said that he is relieved to have all this behind him: "I haven't slept in two days, but it was worth it. All I could think of was the fans. We need to get this done for the fans. But I definitely needed to make sure we did everything possible to acquire as much currency as possible. Listen, fining James Harrison every game can only get us so much cash, we needed this deal." When asked about the relationship between Owners and players, Goodell remained cautiously optimistic: "It's nothing a few Buds and a performance bonus can't fix."
The NFL will officially release the CBA next week, but will proceed with the free agency period immediately. This is bad news for the Carolina Panthers who had hoped to remain invisible for another year. Per Carolina Panthers' President Danny Morrison, "I'd pay more money to see Disney on Ice than our sodden franchise." No Carolina Panthers fans could be found for comment.
UPDATE 9:30 A.M.
In a stunning addition to the new CBA, the NFL has announced that the Buffalo Bills, Jacksonville Jaguars, San Diego Chargers and Minnesota Vikings will be relocated to Tiajuana to form the new Los Angeles Division of Mexico. Reports from Los Angeles Chairman of Commerce Joseph Czyzyk say that the deal was made after the city lost its funding for the new projected stadium. "The NFL needs to be in this great city, and we couldn't let a stupid stadium stand in our way." But why the move to Tiajuana? Czyzyk calls it a "win-win" for the American people. "Listen, I know Los Angeles is a spanish name, but c'mon, there are way too many Mexicans living here and taking all of our jobs. We trick them into working for these new teams, get cheap labor to build the stadiums and then never let them back in." When asked about the players on these franchises, Czyzyk claimed that they will have a great life in Mexico playing against themselves: "It's a dream scenario, getting paid to stare at San Diego." Fans of these franchises could also not be reached.
UPDATE: 10:17 A.M.
The NHL has announced a lockout for the 2011-12 after seeing the successful model of the NFL.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Coming Soon!
Coming soon, Contributing Columnist Ian M Shepherd will compile the angry letters sent in by fans in the new segment: "Letters from an angry fan."
Evening Balk
The World Cup game between the United States and North Korea ended today in a 2-0 USA win. However, reports out of North Korea have the game ending in a 0-0 draw. According to one unnamed paid North Korean observer, "the TV shut off in the 53rd minute."
-In an update to the previous report, all fans, advertisements, and the other team were blurred out to ensure North Korea still had full control of the broadcast.
-In an update to the previous report, all fans, advertisements, and the other team were blurred out to ensure North Korea still had full control of the broadcast.
Daily Balks, June 28th, 2011
Welcome to the Daily Newsroom for this Tuesday, June 28th, 2011.
Below are the top stories in FCSL:
1.) Mexico overcame a 2-0 deficit against the Americans to win the gold cup final 4-2 Saturday evening in Pasadena, California. Man of the Match Giovanni Dos Santos gave a lot of credit to the CONCACAF governing body for scheduling the game in a dense Mexican metropolitan center. "I give a lot of credit to the United State's wavering stance on illegal immigration. I used to have to buy tickets for all my friends, but now, not only can they buy their own tickets, but also supply the whole team with narcotics." Perhaps trying to thwart the spread of capitalism and democracy, CONCACAF scheduled the United States to play Canada in Detroit, Panama in Tampa Bay, and Mexico in Pasadena. When asked about this seemingly unfair set of circumstances for the United States, United States' captain Carlos Bocanegra blushed and admitted, "my parents are Mexican." Ole!
-In related news, Bob Bradley was busted for narcotics after he was seen inserting United States defenseman Jonathan Bornstein into the match against Mexico.
2.) On Monday afternoon, Philadelphia Phillies' shortstop Jimmy Rollins attempted to set a Guinness World Record by hitting a ball farther than anyone in history at the Red Bull challenge (honor is officially given to Babe Ruth at 575 feet based on unofficial estimates). Using a scientifically altered bat and ball, claimed to have the power to add the most distance to a hit, Rollins attempted to hit the ball down Ben Franklin Parkway towards the famed Art Museum. Unfortunately, Rollins was only able to hit the ball a mere 463 feet, disappointing the many fans who showed up to watch. In the future Red Bull plans to acquire an actual hitter to attempt the challenge. Plans are already underway to create a replica Jimmy Rollins, which is expected to be completed in time for the challenge next summer. -Philadelphia Inquirer
3.) Orlando Magic Guard Gilbert Arenas recently uploaded pictures of himself "planking" at practice and in the weight room. This is welcome news for Magic fans as no guns were seen in the pictures. -Javaris Crittenton.
4.) In preparation for the NBA, Jimmer Fredette admitted to dropping 40 points at a local jail. The NBA was unable to announce his next opponent. Schedules will be released in July -NBA Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver
5.) The Washington Officials Association and the Washington Interscholastic Activities Association are being sued by a group of Washington state referees over the use of pink whistles during a charity campaign. Suspended from playoff games, the referees claimed that the bylaws were put in place after the referees first used the whistles. The issue will be brought to court late next week and the prosecution seeks to force the referees to use blue whistles instead. -Seattle Intelligencer
-In related news, Washington was 0-12 and Washington state was 1-11 in 2009. Whistles? Really?
6.) Reaffirming their importance in England, Prince William and his newly wedded Wife Kate Middleton were seen at Wimbledon watching tennis... all day. -Lifetime Special
7.) With only 8 scholarship players for the 2011-12 basketball season, Georgia Tech will be awful. -Anonymous.
8.) Aiming to provide the best role model for the NFL rookie symposium, the NFL has tabbed wide reciever Plaxico Burress, rumored to discuss proper gun placement and jean looseness.
-In a related story, the rookies plan to go on strike next week to counteract the NFL's proposed rookie wage scale. Rookie Player's Association President Cameron Newton could not be reached for comment, but sources say his parents were still: "do[ing] a lot of things behind the scenes that go unnoticed." -@ochocinco.
9.) Struggling with intense mediocrity in their pitching staff, the Kansas City Royals have decided to go with a 6 man pitching rotation rather than sending rookie Danny Duff down to the minors, with Kyle Davies returning from injury. There really isn't a story here, but the Royals have paid FCSL to be included in a relevant sports article. -FCSL exclusive report.
10.) Google is undergoing talks with the new PAC-12 to sponsor a new television deal that would allow google to watch you watching the PAC-12. -Apple, the other possible sponsor.
Below are the top stories in FCSL:
1.) Mexico overcame a 2-0 deficit against the Americans to win the gold cup final 4-2 Saturday evening in Pasadena, California. Man of the Match Giovanni Dos Santos gave a lot of credit to the CONCACAF governing body for scheduling the game in a dense Mexican metropolitan center. "I give a lot of credit to the United State's wavering stance on illegal immigration. I used to have to buy tickets for all my friends, but now, not only can they buy their own tickets, but also supply the whole team with narcotics." Perhaps trying to thwart the spread of capitalism and democracy, CONCACAF scheduled the United States to play Canada in Detroit, Panama in Tampa Bay, and Mexico in Pasadena. When asked about this seemingly unfair set of circumstances for the United States, United States' captain Carlos Bocanegra blushed and admitted, "my parents are Mexican." Ole!
-In related news, Bob Bradley was busted for narcotics after he was seen inserting United States defenseman Jonathan Bornstein into the match against Mexico.
2.) On Monday afternoon, Philadelphia Phillies' shortstop Jimmy Rollins attempted to set a Guinness World Record by hitting a ball farther than anyone in history at the Red Bull challenge (honor is officially given to Babe Ruth at 575 feet based on unofficial estimates). Using a scientifically altered bat and ball, claimed to have the power to add the most distance to a hit, Rollins attempted to hit the ball down Ben Franklin Parkway towards the famed Art Museum. Unfortunately, Rollins was only able to hit the ball a mere 463 feet, disappointing the many fans who showed up to watch. In the future Red Bull plans to acquire an actual hitter to attempt the challenge. Plans are already underway to create a replica Jimmy Rollins, which is expected to be completed in time for the challenge next summer. -Philadelphia Inquirer
3.) Orlando Magic Guard Gilbert Arenas recently uploaded pictures of himself "planking" at practice and in the weight room. This is welcome news for Magic fans as no guns were seen in the pictures. -Javaris Crittenton.
4.) In preparation for the NBA, Jimmer Fredette admitted to dropping 40 points at a local jail. The NBA was unable to announce his next opponent. Schedules will be released in July -NBA Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver
5.) The Washington Officials Association and the Washington Interscholastic Activities Association are being sued by a group of Washington state referees over the use of pink whistles during a charity campaign. Suspended from playoff games, the referees claimed that the bylaws were put in place after the referees first used the whistles. The issue will be brought to court late next week and the prosecution seeks to force the referees to use blue whistles instead. -Seattle Intelligencer
-In related news, Washington was 0-12 and Washington state was 1-11 in 2009. Whistles? Really?
6.) Reaffirming their importance in England, Prince William and his newly wedded Wife Kate Middleton were seen at Wimbledon watching tennis... all day. -Lifetime Special
7.) With only 8 scholarship players for the 2011-12 basketball season, Georgia Tech will be awful. -Anonymous.
8.) Aiming to provide the best role model for the NFL rookie symposium, the NFL has tabbed wide reciever Plaxico Burress, rumored to discuss proper gun placement and jean looseness.
-In a related story, the rookies plan to go on strike next week to counteract the NFL's proposed rookie wage scale. Rookie Player's Association President Cameron Newton could not be reached for comment, but sources say his parents were still: "do[ing] a lot of things behind the scenes that go unnoticed." -@ochocinco.
9.) Struggling with intense mediocrity in their pitching staff, the Kansas City Royals have decided to go with a 6 man pitching rotation rather than sending rookie Danny Duff down to the minors, with Kyle Davies returning from injury. There really isn't a story here, but the Royals have paid FCSL to be included in a relevant sports article. -FCSL exclusive report.
10.) Google is undergoing talks with the new PAC-12 to sponsor a new television deal that would allow google to watch you watching the PAC-12. -Apple, the other possible sponsor.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Nightly News
A few extra stories that have developed as of late:
1.) Serena and Venus Williams have both lost in the round of 16 at the Wimbledon Championships, alluding to a family party back in the United States. According to mother Oracene Williams, Serena still needs to inflate the falu red balloons for the centerpiece, citing the need to "save some oxygen." When asked about the occasion, Serena told reporters that it was a celebration for Venus' Wimbledon championship. Venus could not be reached for further comment. -NY Times.
2.) Former North Carolina State Quarterback Russell Wilson has confirmed a transfer to the University of Wisconsin to continue his college football career. Drafted by the Colorado Rockies to play baseball, Wilson was squeezed out of the starting Quarterback job by Mike Glennon, a graduate student from Virginia. Because Wilson already graduated he won't have to sit out a year, per NCAA regulations. According to a FCSL exclusive report, teammates considered Wilson to be "way too good to be playing with us," creating a rift between the bad (the whole team) and the good (Wilson) players in the locker-room. With this skillful reputation, Wilson decided to become the first athlete ever to attend a Big Ten school.
-In related news, Wisconsin has 97 tattoo parlors. -The Columbus Dispatch.
3.) Rory McIlroy has decided to end his United States golf career after winning the U.S. open saying he doesn't think he can handle the pressures of becoming a role model to American children, opting for the famously ambiguous moral standards of Europe. When learning about this news, Golf Channel Anchor Kelly Tilghman saddenly remarked, "And he was just starting to remind me of Tiger." -Belfast Telegraph
4.) Anaheim Mayor Tom Tait has sued the city of Los Angeles for copyright infringement on behalf of the Los
Angeles Angels of Anaheim, as the club undergoes an identity crisis -LA Times
5.) The New York Islanders had a league low average attendance of 11,059 for the past year. They tweeted 14,475 times. #priorities -FCSL
-In related news, in a recent interview with TSN, Sidney Crosby revealed the reason he missed the majority of the 2010-2011 season with a concussion was to rest up in order to shed the "soft" label in 2011-2012. - TSN
-Update 9:33 P.M.:
According to previous reports, this season will not occur.
6.) According to reports by ESPN "Bracketologist" Joe Lundari, Oregon State is number one on the list of the Bottom Ten Easiest college basketball non-conference schedulers. When pressed about this issue Oregon State's AD Bob De Carolis admitted: "I'm not surprised, why would anyone want to come play in Oregon?" -BeaverNation.
7.) In the most recent 2011 NBA draft, Arizona's Derrick Williams was taken second overall by the Minnesota Timberwolves. Confused, Williams called Kevin Love and asked if he would "still need to buy Right Guard in order to get Love" in the Shower. When asked to clarify the previous statement, Williams told the Associated Press that he was switching to Old Spice. No word from the Old Spice Guy. -AP
8.) After dropping its Geography major, TCU accepted a bid to join the Big East for the 2012-13 season. -FCSL.
9.) The NCAA is in talks about implementing a new rule for the 2011-12 Softball season. Teams will now have the opportunity to choose a penalty if a player leaves a base before the pitcher releases the ball. Included among these penalties is an immediate end to the game so we can all go watch real baseball.
-In related news, softball legend Jennie Finch and former MLB reliever Casey Daigle are the proud parents of their second child; Diesel, after feeling bad about the pressure put on their first son, Ace...
-Are you kidding me?- Momma Finch.
10.) The BET Awards were hosted over the weekend. Or, in layman's terms, the award show that makes every athlete question why he "didn't become a musician". -Justin Bieber at the NBA Celebrity Game.
1.) Serena and Venus Williams have both lost in the round of 16 at the Wimbledon Championships, alluding to a family party back in the United States. According to mother Oracene Williams, Serena still needs to inflate the falu red balloons for the centerpiece, citing the need to "save some oxygen." When asked about the occasion, Serena told reporters that it was a celebration for Venus' Wimbledon championship. Venus could not be reached for further comment. -NY Times.
2.) Former North Carolina State Quarterback Russell Wilson has confirmed a transfer to the University of Wisconsin to continue his college football career. Drafted by the Colorado Rockies to play baseball, Wilson was squeezed out of the starting Quarterback job by Mike Glennon, a graduate student from Virginia. Because Wilson already graduated he won't have to sit out a year, per NCAA regulations. According to a FCSL exclusive report, teammates considered Wilson to be "way too good to be playing with us," creating a rift between the bad (the whole team) and the good (Wilson) players in the locker-room. With this skillful reputation, Wilson decided to become the first athlete ever to attend a Big Ten school.
-In related news, Wisconsin has 97 tattoo parlors. -The Columbus Dispatch.
3.) Rory McIlroy has decided to end his United States golf career after winning the U.S. open saying he doesn't think he can handle the pressures of becoming a role model to American children, opting for the famously ambiguous moral standards of Europe. When learning about this news, Golf Channel Anchor Kelly Tilghman saddenly remarked, "And he was just starting to remind me of Tiger." -Belfast Telegraph
4.) Anaheim Mayor Tom Tait has sued the city of Los Angeles for copyright infringement on behalf of the Los
Angeles Angels of Anaheim, as the club undergoes an identity crisis -LA Times
5.) The New York Islanders had a league low average attendance of 11,059 for the past year. They tweeted 14,475 times. #priorities -FCSL
-In related news, in a recent interview with TSN, Sidney Crosby revealed the reason he missed the majority of the 2010-2011 season with a concussion was to rest up in order to shed the "soft" label in 2011-2012. - TSN
-Update 9:33 P.M.:
According to previous reports, this season will not occur.
6.) According to reports by ESPN "Bracketologist" Joe Lundari, Oregon State is number one on the list of the Bottom Ten Easiest college basketball non-conference schedulers. When pressed about this issue Oregon State's AD Bob De Carolis admitted: "I'm not surprised, why would anyone want to come play in Oregon?" -BeaverNation.
7.) In the most recent 2011 NBA draft, Arizona's Derrick Williams was taken second overall by the Minnesota Timberwolves. Confused, Williams called Kevin Love and asked if he would "still need to buy Right Guard in order to get Love" in the Shower. When asked to clarify the previous statement, Williams told the Associated Press that he was switching to Old Spice. No word from the Old Spice Guy. -AP
8.) After dropping its Geography major, TCU accepted a bid to join the Big East for the 2012-13 season. -FCSL.
9.) The NCAA is in talks about implementing a new rule for the 2011-12 Softball season. Teams will now have the opportunity to choose a penalty if a player leaves a base before the pitcher releases the ball. Included among these penalties is an immediate end to the game so we can all go watch real baseball.
-In related news, softball legend Jennie Finch and former MLB reliever Casey Daigle are the proud parents of their second child; Diesel, after feeling bad about the pressure put on their first son, Ace...
-Are you kidding me?- Momma Finch.
10.) The BET Awards were hosted over the weekend. Or, in layman's terms, the award show that makes every athlete question why he "didn't become a musician". -Justin Bieber at the NBA Celebrity Game.
Daily Balks, June 27th, 2011
Welcome to the newsroom on this Monday, June 27th, 2011.
Top Stories:
1.) In a stunning announcement, Florida Marlins CEO Jeffrey Loria has announced the purchase of Sun Life Stadium from real estate shark Stephen Ross, foregoing the city's planned construction of Miami Ballpark. FCSL has been informed that Loria has agreed in principle to trade the empty orange seats to the Boston Red Sox for fans on their season ticket waiting list. According to reports, the Red Sox offered this trade to "add a contrasting color to the red and green landscape of the grounds," adding that they have a healthy relationship of trading with the Marlins: "We gave them Hanley [Ramirez] for Pete's sake, you'd think they would throw us a bone here."
When asked about this move Loria declined to comment on motive, but added he is excited to meet all of the 7,000 waiting listees aquired, all of whom are hoped to help fill the southwest corner of the now seat-less stadium. "It will be like a party atmosphere," Loria told the FCSL, "I have always dreamed of having a lot of compassionate, displaced fans trying to latch onto a young and up and coming team."
Speculation is that Loria became nervous about the turquoise colored seats that the new Miami Ballpark was scheduled to build, and, having received this offer from the Red Sox it was a no brainer.
The Red Sox will also send the Fenway Shell gas station located behind gate B and future cash considerations to the Marlins, while the Marlins have agreed to give Boston residents a free Double-Double from Fatburger.
Update: 10:34 A.M.
Breaking news into FCSL: The move seems more peculiar on Loria's part as he has now admitted to being color blind.
2.) Lebron James has decided not to decide anything anymore. -Delonte West via Mrs. James.
3.) Over 70,000 fans showed up to Germany's opening match against Canada in the 2011 FIFA Women's World Cup, a European attendance record for a game involving women. However, FCSL spoke to an outraged Wesley Sneijder who reminded the federation of the 84,490 who watched the Dutch take on the "damiselas" from Spain in the 2010 World Cup Final. Notwithstanding, the German fans showed their indifference with a stunning rendition of the Mexican wave. -De Pers
4.) Argentinian powerhouse River Plate has scheduled a year-long vacation to Nacional B, the first move in the club's 110 year history. In response, the fans decided to begin renovations of Estadio Monumental Antonio Vespucio Liberti. Even the police decided to get involved as they hosed down the field and surrounding stands. -FCSL
5.) In an attempt to get back into the national spotlight, Terrell Owens went to the famed Dr. James Andrews and had his ACL surgically torn... and then repaired. His recovery time was not released due to the longevity of stories involving athletes whose recoveries are unreleased- Reuters.
6.) John Calipari's two year extension from Kentucky, upping his contract to 120k per game, has created a public outcry among Kentuckians. Dorris Kamila, a Packaging and Filling Machine Operator, and mother of 4 current UK boys, has to deal with the struggle of trying to put her children through college on a limited budget: "I have to pay 80k for each of my children to graduate from UK and this nice-dressed man from them Yanks [Pittsburgh] gets to make more than that each game? None of them players are from Kentucky anyways." Calipari could not be reached for comment, but sources say he was last seen at the bank. -Lexington Herald-Leader
7.) Bundy wins the 14th annual "Beggin Strips" Bowl Championship Series Dog Agility Race in Buttonwillow, California. After the race there was a peaceful protest. -PETA
8.) Reports out of the NHL say that realignment is 100% for the 2012-2013 season. Commissioner Gary Bettman is aiming to lock out the 2011-2012 season in order to extend the NHL's relevance in the news.
Update 11:35 A.M.: The 5 remaining Atlanta Thrashers fans have burned a bar stool in Winnipeg. Authorities are confused as to how the fans found the city. -NHL.com
Top Stories:
1.) In a stunning announcement, Florida Marlins CEO Jeffrey Loria has announced the purchase of Sun Life Stadium from real estate shark Stephen Ross, foregoing the city's planned construction of Miami Ballpark. FCSL has been informed that Loria has agreed in principle to trade the empty orange seats to the Boston Red Sox for fans on their season ticket waiting list. According to reports, the Red Sox offered this trade to "add a contrasting color to the red and green landscape of the grounds," adding that they have a healthy relationship of trading with the Marlins: "We gave them Hanley [Ramirez] for Pete's sake, you'd think they would throw us a bone here."
When asked about this move Loria declined to comment on motive, but added he is excited to meet all of the 7,000 waiting listees aquired, all of whom are hoped to help fill the southwest corner of the now seat-less stadium. "It will be like a party atmosphere," Loria told the FCSL, "I have always dreamed of having a lot of compassionate, displaced fans trying to latch onto a young and up and coming team."
Speculation is that Loria became nervous about the turquoise colored seats that the new Miami Ballpark was scheduled to build, and, having received this offer from the Red Sox it was a no brainer.
The Red Sox will also send the Fenway Shell gas station located behind gate B and future cash considerations to the Marlins, while the Marlins have agreed to give Boston residents a free Double-Double from Fatburger.
Update: 10:34 A.M.
Breaking news into FCSL: The move seems more peculiar on Loria's part as he has now admitted to being color blind.
2.) Lebron James has decided not to decide anything anymore. -Delonte West via Mrs. James.
3.) Over 70,000 fans showed up to Germany's opening match against Canada in the 2011 FIFA Women's World Cup, a European attendance record for a game involving women. However, FCSL spoke to an outraged Wesley Sneijder who reminded the federation of the 84,490 who watched the Dutch take on the "damiselas" from Spain in the 2010 World Cup Final. Notwithstanding, the German fans showed their indifference with a stunning rendition of the Mexican wave. -De Pers
4.) Argentinian powerhouse River Plate has scheduled a year-long vacation to Nacional B, the first move in the club's 110 year history. In response, the fans decided to begin renovations of Estadio Monumental Antonio Vespucio Liberti. Even the police decided to get involved as they hosed down the field and surrounding stands. -FCSL
5.) In an attempt to get back into the national spotlight, Terrell Owens went to the famed Dr. James Andrews and had his ACL surgically torn... and then repaired. His recovery time was not released due to the longevity of stories involving athletes whose recoveries are unreleased- Reuters.
6.) John Calipari's two year extension from Kentucky, upping his contract to 120k per game, has created a public outcry among Kentuckians. Dorris Kamila, a Packaging and Filling Machine Operator, and mother of 4 current UK boys, has to deal with the struggle of trying to put her children through college on a limited budget: "I have to pay 80k for each of my children to graduate from UK and this nice-dressed man from them Yanks [Pittsburgh] gets to make more than that each game? None of them players are from Kentucky anyways." Calipari could not be reached for comment, but sources say he was last seen at the bank. -Lexington Herald-Leader
7.) Bundy wins the 14th annual "Beggin Strips" Bowl Championship Series Dog Agility Race in Buttonwillow, California. After the race there was a peaceful protest. -PETA
8.) Reports out of the NHL say that realignment is 100% for the 2012-2013 season. Commissioner Gary Bettman is aiming to lock out the 2011-2012 season in order to extend the NHL's relevance in the news.
Update 11:35 A.M.: The 5 remaining Atlanta Thrashers fans have burned a bar stool in Winnipeg. Authorities are confused as to how the fans found the city. -NHL.com
9.) In order to get on the nerves of MLB commissioner Allan Huber "Bud" Selig (Bud, really?), Frank and Jamie McCourt decide to not get divorced. In related news, they still have no money. -LA Times
10.) After 110 laps a car was in front of the other cars and won a race in front of lots of people.
- A description of a race from a die-hard NASCAR fan.
Thank you for reading the Daily Newsroom. Please come back for more exciting news!
If you are interested in contributing to the column send an email to: scohak1236@gmail.com
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