Welcome to the newsroom on this Monday, June 27th, 2011.
Top Stories:
1.) In a stunning announcement, Florida Marlins CEO Jeffrey Loria has announced the purchase of Sun Life Stadium from real estate shark Stephen Ross, foregoing the city's planned construction of Miami Ballpark. FCSL has been informed that Loria has agreed in principle to trade the empty orange seats to the Boston Red Sox for fans on their season ticket waiting list. According to reports, the Red Sox offered this trade to "add a contrasting color to the red and green landscape of the grounds," adding that they have a healthy relationship of trading with the Marlins: "We gave them Hanley [Ramirez] for Pete's sake, you'd think they would throw us a bone here."
When asked about this move Loria declined to comment on motive, but added he is excited to meet all of the 7,000 waiting listees aquired, all of whom are hoped to help fill the southwest corner of the now seat-less stadium. "It will be like a party atmosphere," Loria told the FCSL, "I have always dreamed of having a lot of compassionate, displaced fans trying to latch onto a young and up and coming team."
Speculation is that Loria became nervous about the turquoise colored seats that the new Miami Ballpark was scheduled to build, and, having received this offer from the Red Sox it was a no brainer.
The Red Sox will also send the Fenway Shell gas station located behind gate B and future cash considerations to the Marlins, while the Marlins have agreed to give Boston residents a free Double-Double from Fatburger.
Update: 10:34 A.M.
Breaking news into FCSL: The move seems more peculiar on Loria's part as he has now admitted to being color blind.
2.) Lebron James has decided not to decide anything anymore. -Delonte West via Mrs. James.
3.) Over 70,000 fans showed up to Germany's opening match against Canada in the 2011 FIFA Women's World Cup, a European attendance record for a game involving women. However, FCSL spoke to an outraged Wesley Sneijder who reminded the federation of the 84,490 who watched the Dutch take on the "damiselas" from Spain in the 2010 World Cup Final. Notwithstanding, the German fans showed their indifference with a stunning rendition of the Mexican wave. -De Pers
4.) Argentinian powerhouse River Plate has scheduled a year-long vacation to Nacional B, the first move in the club's 110 year history. In response, the fans decided to begin renovations of Estadio Monumental Antonio Vespucio Liberti. Even the police decided to get involved as they hosed down the field and surrounding stands. -FCSL
5.) In an attempt to get back into the national spotlight, Terrell Owens went to the famed Dr. James Andrews and had his ACL surgically torn... and then repaired. His recovery time was not released due to the longevity of stories involving athletes whose recoveries are unreleased- Reuters.
6.) John Calipari's two year extension from Kentucky, upping his contract to 120k per game, has created a public outcry among Kentuckians. Dorris Kamila, a Packaging and Filling Machine Operator, and mother of 4 current UK boys, has to deal with the struggle of trying to put her children through college on a limited budget: "I have to pay 80k for each of my children to graduate from UK and this nice-dressed man from them Yanks [Pittsburgh] gets to make more than that each game? None of them players are from Kentucky anyways." Calipari could not be reached for comment, but sources say he was last seen at the bank. -Lexington Herald-Leader
7.) Bundy wins the 14th annual "Beggin Strips" Bowl Championship Series Dog Agility Race in Buttonwillow, California. After the race there was a peaceful protest. -PETA
8.) Reports out of the NHL say that realignment is 100% for the 2012-2013 season. Commissioner Gary Bettman is aiming to lock out the 2011-2012 season in order to extend the NHL's relevance in the news.
Update 11:35 A.M.: The 5 remaining Atlanta Thrashers fans have burned a bar stool in Winnipeg. Authorities are confused as to how the fans found the city. -NHL.com
Top Stories:
1.) In a stunning announcement, Florida Marlins CEO Jeffrey Loria has announced the purchase of Sun Life Stadium from real estate shark Stephen Ross, foregoing the city's planned construction of Miami Ballpark. FCSL has been informed that Loria has agreed in principle to trade the empty orange seats to the Boston Red Sox for fans on their season ticket waiting list. According to reports, the Red Sox offered this trade to "add a contrasting color to the red and green landscape of the grounds," adding that they have a healthy relationship of trading with the Marlins: "We gave them Hanley [Ramirez] for Pete's sake, you'd think they would throw us a bone here."
When asked about this move Loria declined to comment on motive, but added he is excited to meet all of the 7,000 waiting listees aquired, all of whom are hoped to help fill the southwest corner of the now seat-less stadium. "It will be like a party atmosphere," Loria told the FCSL, "I have always dreamed of having a lot of compassionate, displaced fans trying to latch onto a young and up and coming team."
Speculation is that Loria became nervous about the turquoise colored seats that the new Miami Ballpark was scheduled to build, and, having received this offer from the Red Sox it was a no brainer.
The Red Sox will also send the Fenway Shell gas station located behind gate B and future cash considerations to the Marlins, while the Marlins have agreed to give Boston residents a free Double-Double from Fatburger.
Update: 10:34 A.M.
Breaking news into FCSL: The move seems more peculiar on Loria's part as he has now admitted to being color blind.
2.) Lebron James has decided not to decide anything anymore. -Delonte West via Mrs. James.
3.) Over 70,000 fans showed up to Germany's opening match against Canada in the 2011 FIFA Women's World Cup, a European attendance record for a game involving women. However, FCSL spoke to an outraged Wesley Sneijder who reminded the federation of the 84,490 who watched the Dutch take on the "damiselas" from Spain in the 2010 World Cup Final. Notwithstanding, the German fans showed their indifference with a stunning rendition of the Mexican wave. -De Pers
4.) Argentinian powerhouse River Plate has scheduled a year-long vacation to Nacional B, the first move in the club's 110 year history. In response, the fans decided to begin renovations of Estadio Monumental Antonio Vespucio Liberti. Even the police decided to get involved as they hosed down the field and surrounding stands. -FCSL
5.) In an attempt to get back into the national spotlight, Terrell Owens went to the famed Dr. James Andrews and had his ACL surgically torn... and then repaired. His recovery time was not released due to the longevity of stories involving athletes whose recoveries are unreleased- Reuters.
6.) John Calipari's two year extension from Kentucky, upping his contract to 120k per game, has created a public outcry among Kentuckians. Dorris Kamila, a Packaging and Filling Machine Operator, and mother of 4 current UK boys, has to deal with the struggle of trying to put her children through college on a limited budget: "I have to pay 80k for each of my children to graduate from UK and this nice-dressed man from them Yanks [Pittsburgh] gets to make more than that each game? None of them players are from Kentucky anyways." Calipari could not be reached for comment, but sources say he was last seen at the bank. -Lexington Herald-Leader
7.) Bundy wins the 14th annual "Beggin Strips" Bowl Championship Series Dog Agility Race in Buttonwillow, California. After the race there was a peaceful protest. -PETA
8.) Reports out of the NHL say that realignment is 100% for the 2012-2013 season. Commissioner Gary Bettman is aiming to lock out the 2011-2012 season in order to extend the NHL's relevance in the news.
Update 11:35 A.M.: The 5 remaining Atlanta Thrashers fans have burned a bar stool in Winnipeg. Authorities are confused as to how the fans found the city. -NHL.com
9.) In order to get on the nerves of MLB commissioner Allan Huber "Bud" Selig (Bud, really?), Frank and Jamie McCourt decide to not get divorced. In related news, they still have no money. -LA Times
10.) After 110 laps a car was in front of the other cars and won a race in front of lots of people.
- A description of a race from a die-hard NASCAR fan.
Thank you for reading the Daily Newsroom. Please come back for more exciting news!
If you are interested in contributing to the column send an email to: scohak1236@gmail.com
Hysterical. The Onion should hire you.
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